When pessimism strikes.

This is going to be a pessimistic post, bloggie. Now, I am at the state of being depressed over my life. Feeling lifeless. Regretting for the things that I've let to happen in the past. Regretting for the person I've become now. I do not know what is exactly taking over my life now that I'm getting older, wiser or not I do not know. But, more issues are taking place in my life and of course I have my mature thinking wimme still but I doubt if I've been making the right decisions lately. I don't care what the others say and what the quotes teach. Now, all that I can ever think of is to be happy and to do what I want to do. I am amazed at all these things that I am willing to do just to make myself happy. Such as ? Losing the self-respect and the girl pride I've had all these years. The only thing that I've yet to do so far is to apologize for the things I did not do. God forbid. I did not know I would forget and forgive people easily although they do not deserve it at all. I wonder. Why can't I just delete them off my life and never think about them again ? Why can't I hold a grudge and have the hatred towards them ? Revenge is a total waste of time but what is a better revenge then not talking to them at all and also to have nothing to do with them at all ? I miss them but they don't. I value the friendship made and the closeness shared but they don't. THEN WHY THE BLOODY HELL DO I NEED TO CARE ? Why do I need to even waste my tears thinking about the crazy talks we used to have ? and yes, nobody said the elder or a girl should not apologize BUT shouldn't it be they to make the first step to patch up ? They are guys and they are younger. Perhaps this wouldn't make sense to many and with all the maturity I have as a 19 years old girl, I thought why not I be the one. I have no idea if I still have the ego in me or not but I would be glad if I do coz it would hold me back from being stupid. They are a great lesson. I am glad the fight happened. But deep inside, I wish it did not have to happen at all. I don't wanna have to dislike anyone. I think the worst moment is when I have to turn my head and walk away to avoid them. I would love to have the courage to watch people walking out from my life for they are not part of it anymore but I don't even let anyone go just like that. It makes one of the most impossible thing in my life to forget people whom I've been close to. I can hate them for all that they've done but I can't!! Because it's the way I perceive things. Good or bad a person is, he has been a friend & a friendship can never be a mistake like how a love relationship can be. OK NOW. This is going to be the last day I am even worrying and thinking about this. I gotta chuck all these craps. I wanna be that strong, egoistic, wise, hard girl I once used to be. I WILL BE!! coz' I can't stand being taken for granted!! :)

I am not gonna depend on anyone especially on my guy friends to sort out every little thing for me. I am not gonna expect my girls to be there for me whenever I need someone to cry out to. I was once a girl who never shares her problems to anyone coz I had trust in me that only I can handle my problems in the best way and find the best solutions for it. I do not know how these past 2 years had changed me to a girl I do not want to be! I wanna believe that I can stand for myself and that I need nobody to stand along. I don't wanna be kind to every single person I meet and I WILL NEVER TRUST ANYONE BLINDLY. I want my real attitude back. I want that no-matter-what-happens-I-keep-my-head-high attitude and I push my way through. I know, that one chance that I chose to give to "that" guy to prove himself indeed weakened me a lot in the high doses of love. Now, there is absolutely no space for a thing called infatuation nor the so-called bloody relationships and shitz. I still believe in love and I still have complete respect for guys, no jerks can ever change that. I swear not to have fight with anyone after this. Coz' as much as I have known more about myself, fight is definitely not a good idea at all. It only weakens me. Things will be very much easy if I don't expect anything and if I can accept the way they are, both the good & bad. I will learn to be in limits and treat people as to their age. It's such a dumb thing to think that you can be very close friends with the people who are younger than you coz maturity varies a lot & you should have been great to be able to handle with that! I ain't gonna do every single thing to please the others. I am not gonna be too kind but I will never lose my virtues. I will do it all in my own way!! and what's next ? GOALS. Till I tell you about it in the next post, adios! Muah. xx

A little update:"I love my 17 years old brothers from school"

Hola!

Uhm, it's about those 17 years old guys in school. They used to be really nice. They are funny and I love their sense of humor a lot. Now, things are not the same between us anymore. I don't really take anything serious in life especially when it comes to friendships and relationships. I prefer making peace and being nice always no matter what happens. BUT this time, I am not sure if it's something tolerable. I could not accept the way they treated me despite the closeness we've shared all this while. AND to listen to someone else and believing her blindly just like that ? Is that what a friend does ? & as always, I simply fail at handling immaturity. I could not be bothered to explain further to make 'em understand the actual thing that happened. So, I let it be like that. Blehhh. Let I be the the wrong one. Let I be the bad one. Being manipulated and blammed. Think whatever you guys wanna think, go ahead. Well-played. Byebye from my life, I said. 

BUT NOW.

I would relle love to go back to March when everything was the most beautiful in my life! The first 6 months of this year were the best part. I miss these people whom I had at that time who are no longer in my life now. 

Good or bad & the harm done, I guess that doesn't matter anymore. I would love to have the most amazing feeling of forgiving and patching up again, once more!! 

I've never been backstabbed nor messed up with anyone. I guess it's meant to happen, so did it happen. It's a great experience, they'd been a great lesson. 

At the moment, I can only think of being happy & what would make me the happiest girl for once ? IF WE TALK  TO EACH OTHER, AGAIN. IF WE CAN BE LIKE LAST TIME, AGAIN. 

BUT AGAIN

What if, just IF, for the ego that I've thrown away long time back, I summon it up now. It's time coz it would make me wise & hard.

Show me the right way, Lord! :)