My Imperfectness

My imperfectness

Sunday, 08.04.2012

Darkness between four walls. 

Mere silence. 

Only me
and tears as companion. 

I wish to be invisible. 

I wish to run away from here, 

far from here 

to a place where there is no one.
or I'll just plummet to my death. 

It's impossible. 

I dislike the mirror.

For it reflects the person I dislike

Me.  

I always loved myself 

yet in what darkness, 

what dense ignorance, 

was this mental battle fought. 

Every nerve I'd feared my imperfectness 

and every morsel of flesh in my bones shrank 

when they point it out. 

I'm fine this way, I say 

but deep at heart, I am not.

My racked nerves were now in such state that,

no calm could soothe and

no pleasure excite them.

Do not blame me for not being myself. 

I will repent. 

Lust, attraction, infatuation. These are less than love. After living in denial of what I ACTUALLY feel, here are some lessons I have learnt in silence.

• Love is a good thing. It should lift you to become a better person. Anything less is not love. Love should feel good. It should not make you feel bad or rather guilty for being real about your feelings. It should make you want to become a better person. LOVE MUST MAKE YOU HAPPY EVERYDAY. It keeps you energetic, enthusiastic and motivated to live each day!

• If it's love, you spend a good healthy balance time together. If it's infatuation, you spend every minute with them.

• When you don't talk, there will be a lot of stuffs ending up not getting said. Thus, they will never know how you feel and you will never know how they feel. A bridge of unspoken words there. ;)

• No lies no secrets. It is always better to speak out. Both would feel better. 

• You can't kill feeling. It either fades with time or remains forever.
• Similarly, you should not try to cut down on communication with the one you know you can't stay a day without talking to. All that I would say is, make use of it. In a positive way of course. Spend time studying together. It does no harm, right ? 

“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever”                               

Yet, I have confusions in return too. Till tell you more in the next post, toodles ! xx 

Lost.

What do I say ? Urmm, these days have been really hard for me. I have been having issues going on lately, in my life. I have no say, totally. It was once upon a time when I felt really blessed. I can see things falling appart. I wish it only gets better, but neah! I don't know what I want. Thus, I don't know where I am heading to. Completely clueless, not knowing what comes first in life. I have all desires, a lot of dreams, not to mention my beloveds' hopes and expectations on me. I have disappointed them once. They were really hurt. I was and I am too. But what do I do next ? It feels like a girl standing all by herself in a stranded land under the rain without people around, with no paths to follow, if only you know what's she going through inside. I have nice people around me. Yet, there's something that I don't get enough from them. Don't ask me what is that, it is just that. Confusion in mind and sorrow at heart. The motivation, enthusiasm, willingness to do anything to achieve my goals, self-esteem, confidence are no longer there in me. I truly miss the old me! That pretty obedient daughter whom my mom's always been proud of, that daddy's eldest daughter who only knew winning!

I have no clue what is going on with my life! I do not know what is wrong with me and yeah with my life too. Frustrating enough! What else do I have to complain ? I'm His perfect creation, the fortunate one for I'm gifted with perfect family and decent life yet as you are aware, I am complaining. I can't believe I am complaining. What is there to complain when life has been fair enough to me ? There are unfortunate people out there with greater obstacles in their lives, yet they are not complaining, they are succeeding instead. But what is happening to me ? Where are the optimism, motivation, spirit, enthusiasm and courage I once had ? and Oh ya, I have not been seeking Him lately. Perhaps that is why I don't feel blessed anymore for the God is hardly in the center of my attention now. Pretty much messed up inside, not knowing what I am trying to fit into! I only hope by the time I buck up, it's not too late to make things better. Oh Lord, hear me out please. :(

Youdontknowyouareinlove.

When you realise you are falling for someone 

Why do you try to avoid her ? Why do you put yourself in limits and too afraid to put your toes outta line ? 

Why do you try really hard to avoid meeting her eyes ? Why will you be too careful in arranging words when you are talking a word or two to her ? Why does the heart skip beats when you meet her ? 

Why do you feel like your heartstrings tug a little bit more when you see her getting close to another boy ?

Why is that ? 

You don't know. You are in love. 


Love is 

• the urge to know everything and every single thing about her. 
• to understand her completely.
• to wish to always be there for her when she is down.
• to feel a red-hot poker of jealousy stabbing you when she talks to another guy.
• to realise that you can't spend a day without her.
• to shed a tear when she is not around because that is how much you miss her.
• to love her more when she is absent.
• to love yourself more because you know she loves you, your handsome self. 
• to feel like the luckiest guy to be loved by her.
• to feel like you are the best guy because she has chosen you out of all the zillion guys in the world.
• to lose interest in talking to other girls no matter how pretty they can be because she is the only one that you want to talk to.
• to make no response to the other girls' flirtations
• to find all girls just the same and ordinary because she is your only apple of eye. 
• to feel like she is the most perfect female specimen to have set foot on the planet because she is yours.
• to wish you had all the earthly time just to talk to her.
• to find her really cute in a guys-just-want-to-protect-her kind of way when she is by herself.
• to be more sensitive to her sarcasm and to sulk hoping that she would persuade you. 
• to expect more attention from her.
• to wish to just hug her when she cries and shivers because she is all yours.
• to wish to protect her and treat her just like how her dad possibly does.
• to wish she would take care of you too, just like how your mom does. 
• to dream your whole future with her. 
• to catch yourself smiling thinking of her.
• to have her as the last thing on your mind and you'd be clicked off your lamp every night and she is your first thought when you open your eyes.
• to be proud to call her, your girl infront of your friends and the other girls. 
• to feel like you would move heaven and earth just to spend your life with her.

No doubt, no delay.  

You are madly in love with her.

She is your soulmate.

:) 

A poem in your absence

I have so much love in me, 

to be given to you.

Along with my little heart,

as an assurance.

For you will be the better half of me. 

But guy,

Why this lie.

I would be the happiest girl in the world,

you told. 

Then, why am I here

with fear,

Between these four walls,

Shedding a tear, 

fear of losing you.
thinking of you.

Far from me,

Away from my sight,

Your mere love I still felt.

Your words I treasure,

For it gives a day full of pleasure,

I am sure,

You are my star!

who shines and glows,

with my love.

Hey, listen once.

I whisper.

I miss you.

Hear that ?

I love you!

A little more than yesterday,

As my love only grows deeper every day,

Forever this way.

His love

Heyya all. Here goes my second poem in the collection after a year. 

Happy reading & much love!

Again,
Exceptional questions in my brain,
Again, 
His love struck me like a strain.
A definite strain of romance,
Straining at the leash to get the love,
like a topspin.

His transparent transient love,
Yet a blissful ignorance I shove,
In a temporary loveless inn, 
I thought I was in,
But his solicitousness
Brought me to his la-la loveland
and forever there I stand.
Wishing the happy pattern not to be broken,
Wishing it not to be a game of connect-the-dots
                                                                    between us.

Hence, 
this is introduction, 
and expression
also confession 
of commitment
                         between us,
Who are head over heels,
in love.

A mere thought.

"Let it be right or wrong, I just want my mom and dad to know everything that I do & I don't care what anybody else thinks about it. 

I'm unlike the other decent obedient girls for I'm wild and a little spoilt but at least I'm being the real me in front of my parents. Absolutely, no lies." 

My parents have been more of best friends to me. I tell them everything. I can talk to them about anything especially to mom, she is too cool. Whereas, dad. He is also jovial and easy to get along with but as a dad to three daughters, he is protective and possesive. I can't stand him at times when the topic of guys arises between us and he'll be like, "No, you don't know about these guys. You're still a little girl. You don't really know the world today". Yet he is friendly to my guy friends. and talking about guy friends, I needa tell you. I am an introvert and I usually learn a hard way talking to guys at early conversations. I have this ego in me which never lets me to talk to a guy without him approaching me first. I don't talk to any random guy. Perhaps that's why by a glance, they call me arrogant.


Well, what to blame ? I WAS from a girls' school where boys used to look like aliens for me. Now that I am studying in a boys' school things have changed, my thoughts have changed and to be more specific, I changed. I have more guy friends than girl friends. I started to feel comfortable talking and being with guys. I find less dramas in them and most important of all, they are so cool. They bully me so often, I mind but again I get this extraordinary privilege of being their center of attention all the time. 

Back to the topic at hand, my parents know each of my friend. I ensure they do. I am 19 now. I guess not all the time, things go well between parents and their grown up children no matter how cool both can be. My opinion is once you're 18, it's always the best way to stay away from family. For many reasons. After the age of 18, our circle of friends gets wider and of course even the nerdiest teen owns a social life. Everybody does but it only comes to true realisation when friends replace family. When you eventually start to keep your social life healthy, you will face problem with either your mom or dad or why not ? BOTH. When it comes to your social life, there would be at least one thing that your parents do not and will not agree with. They think going out with a guy can only be called dating instead of meeting. 
And FRIENDS. Talking about friends, they are all the same to me regardless of their gender. May it be a he or she, no difference it makes to me. I crack the same jokes, I talk the same nonsense, I sing the same crap, and I be the same fool while being with them.  


Perhaps you would wonder, why am I even talking about this ? Well, I have been thinking about some girl-boy friendship issues lately. What do you think when you see 6 guys and a girl hanging out together ? or to be precise, what do you think about that girl ? Lemme list down the facts. First, those 6 guys are nobody but her schoolmates, she calls them friends. Second, her parents know those 6 guys as they have been to her house. Third, she told her parents the truth that she is going out with ONLY GUYS with no girls and her dad drove her to the place. What else matters ? that "Yindian" society that we are living around ? about what those "Yindian" uncles and aunties may think about that girl ? It's time to go against the stereotypical "Yindian" mentality. and a note to you if you are reading this post, DO NOT JUDGE ME YET. I haven't said enough.