Routine Update

Hey bloggie,

It has been a little while. It's a Friday night. It's 10 o'clock and I am still awake. It would have suprised the people of my home, certainly. Yes! The pattern of my routine life has changed. Sleeping by 9 p.m. and waking up before 1 a.m. Adding a new habit to my routine, dozing off in the evenings too. STPM is just a month away. So it's the exam runs at the eleventh hour that is going on. I am pretty relaxed but of course not feeling relieved that it's finally approaching very soon coz I am gonna definitely miss studying,attending classes,writing essays and of all, going to SASTI. It's like just yesterday I enrolled into Form 6 and just in a flash, it is going to end already. It has been a great stay in SASTI. Definitely, for many reasons. And it feels like I sneezed in May 2011 and that's blown me into October 2012. And y'know like someone's hit the accelerator pedal and the days are whooshing by. 

I haven't got my exact after-STPM plans yet. Of course visiting India is a certain thing and besides that, driving license :)) AND most importantly, total make over. Shedding weight and to regain my skin colour back. Wow, looks like I've got ample things planned yea!! :D Thinking about 8 months of holidays, I can actually list out all those things I am looking forward to, which I had to give up on since I stepped into Form 6. Beaches,family vacation,big family gathering,late night conversations,watching A LOT of movies back to back,night life,baking and cooking,Saturday nights,involving in TAM activities including Telugu Camp,socializing,stage performances, and a lot more! Not forgetting the Saturday-night rule which is no longer in practice at the moment. During most of the Saturday nights, I have been staying at home, to be specific, at study table facing books. & by 7 at study table on Sunday mornings. Gotta thank God, I still stick to blogging despite the studious routine. Gotta love this routine though coz' it takes the right attitude to make it happen & it brings me a step closer to my aims and ambitions. :):) 

So, that is a bit for now. Good night, bloggie. Muah :)

Facebook Post

Hello! This is something that I found in Facebook which I thought I should share on my blog as well.  It's worth reading! To whoever wrote this, kudos!


Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn't know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn't stop for days. It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn't know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried… your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mum got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we’ve NEVER talked before, I’m here for you. Copy and paste this as your status to show people there are people out there that care. Yes, I definitely care. ♥

When pessimism strikes.

This is going to be a pessimistic post, bloggie. Now, I am at the state of being depressed over my life. Feeling lifeless. Regretting for the things that I've let to happen in the past. Regretting for the person I've become now. I do not know what is exactly taking over my life now that I'm getting older, wiser or not I do not know. But, more issues are taking place in my life and of course I have my mature thinking wimme still but I doubt if I've been making the right decisions lately. I don't care what the others say and what the quotes teach. Now, all that I can ever think of is to be happy and to do what I want to do. I am amazed at all these things that I am willing to do just to make myself happy. Such as ? Losing the self-respect and the girl pride I've had all these years. The only thing that I've yet to do so far is to apologize for the things I did not do. God forbid. I did not know I would forget and forgive people easily although they do not deserve it at all. I wonder. Why can't I just delete them off my life and never think about them again ? Why can't I hold a grudge and have the hatred towards them ? Revenge is a total waste of time but what is a better revenge then not talking to them at all and also to have nothing to do with them at all ? I miss them but they don't. I value the friendship made and the closeness shared but they don't. THEN WHY THE BLOODY HELL DO I NEED TO CARE ? Why do I need to even waste my tears thinking about the crazy talks we used to have ? and yes, nobody said the elder or a girl should not apologize BUT shouldn't it be they to make the first step to patch up ? They are guys and they are younger. Perhaps this wouldn't make sense to many and with all the maturity I have as a 19 years old girl, I thought why not I be the one. I have no idea if I still have the ego in me or not but I would be glad if I do coz it would hold me back from being stupid. They are a great lesson. I am glad the fight happened. But deep inside, I wish it did not have to happen at all. I don't wanna have to dislike anyone. I think the worst moment is when I have to turn my head and walk away to avoid them. I would love to have the courage to watch people walking out from my life for they are not part of it anymore but I don't even let anyone go just like that. It makes one of the most impossible thing in my life to forget people whom I've been close to. I can hate them for all that they've done but I can't!! Because it's the way I perceive things. Good or bad a person is, he has been a friend & a friendship can never be a mistake like how a love relationship can be. OK NOW. This is going to be the last day I am even worrying and thinking about this. I gotta chuck all these craps. I wanna be that strong, egoistic, wise, hard girl I once used to be. I WILL BE!! coz' I can't stand being taken for granted!! :)

I am not gonna depend on anyone especially on my guy friends to sort out every little thing for me. I am not gonna expect my girls to be there for me whenever I need someone to cry out to. I was once a girl who never shares her problems to anyone coz I had trust in me that only I can handle my problems in the best way and find the best solutions for it. I do not know how these past 2 years had changed me to a girl I do not want to be! I wanna believe that I can stand for myself and that I need nobody to stand along. I don't wanna be kind to every single person I meet and I WILL NEVER TRUST ANYONE BLINDLY. I want my real attitude back. I want that no-matter-what-happens-I-keep-my-head-high attitude and I push my way through. I know, that one chance that I chose to give to "that" guy to prove himself indeed weakened me a lot in the high doses of love. Now, there is absolutely no space for a thing called infatuation nor the so-called bloody relationships and shitz. I still believe in love and I still have complete respect for guys, no jerks can ever change that. I swear not to have fight with anyone after this. Coz' as much as I have known more about myself, fight is definitely not a good idea at all. It only weakens me. Things will be very much easy if I don't expect anything and if I can accept the way they are, both the good & bad. I will learn to be in limits and treat people as to their age. It's such a dumb thing to think that you can be very close friends with the people who are younger than you coz maturity varies a lot & you should have been great to be able to handle with that! I ain't gonna do every single thing to please the others. I am not gonna be too kind but I will never lose my virtues. I will do it all in my own way!! and what's next ? GOALS. Till I tell you about it in the next post, adios! Muah. xx

A little update:"I love my 17 years old brothers from school"

Hola!

Uhm, it's about those 17 years old guys in school. They used to be really nice. They are funny and I love their sense of humor a lot. Now, things are not the same between us anymore. I don't really take anything serious in life especially when it comes to friendships and relationships. I prefer making peace and being nice always no matter what happens. BUT this time, I am not sure if it's something tolerable. I could not accept the way they treated me despite the closeness we've shared all this while. AND to listen to someone else and believing her blindly just like that ? Is that what a friend does ? & as always, I simply fail at handling immaturity. I could not be bothered to explain further to make 'em understand the actual thing that happened. So, I let it be like that. Blehhh. Let I be the the wrong one. Let I be the bad one. Being manipulated and blammed. Think whatever you guys wanna think, go ahead. Well-played. Byebye from my life, I said. 

BUT NOW.

I would relle love to go back to March when everything was the most beautiful in my life! The first 6 months of this year were the best part. I miss these people whom I had at that time who are no longer in my life now. 

Good or bad & the harm done, I guess that doesn't matter anymore. I would love to have the most amazing feeling of forgiving and patching up again, once more!! 

I've never been backstabbed nor messed up with anyone. I guess it's meant to happen, so did it happen. It's a great experience, they'd been a great lesson. 

At the moment, I can only think of being happy & what would make me the happiest girl for once ? IF WE TALK  TO EACH OTHER, AGAIN. IF WE CAN BE LIKE LAST TIME, AGAIN. 

BUT AGAIN

What if, just IF, for the ego that I've thrown away long time back, I summon it up now. It's time coz it would make me wise & hard.

Show me the right way, Lord! :)

He, I and Indifference (II)

Yesterday, he be the one I want.

Today, he be the one I do not want.

Yesterday, it was love.

Today, it is indifference.

We split up for no reason,

Just like how I loved him for no reason.

I looked for one reason to hold on

He looked for hundreds of reason to move on.

I used to go there for him.

But now that he is not there anymore,

I shall never go there anymore,

Till somebody replaces him.

He came, he left. That is he. 

Pain [19.08.2012]

                                                                     

                                                                     

The silence,
The loneliness,
The darkness,
The emptiness.

The voices in my head
They are not compromising.
Neither the situation is.
The pain in heart 
The disorientation in mind
Do not seem to understand
My eyes swell and ache
The tears will not stop they say
Till the hurt is felt no more.

The reason is that
The heart knows what it wants
The mind understands what it needs
But the mouth fails to speak.
Expectation and hopes
are two different words.
But
they lead to only one,
HEART CRUSHING PAIN.

He, I and Indifference (I)

It was yesterday,
When he held my hand,
So secure I felt,
Having his fingers wrapped with mine.
The moment is gone.

Yesterday,
At that same place,
He looked at me filled with love
For I am his girl.
The moment is gone.
Today,
At that same place,
He looked at me filled with hatred
For I am no longer his girl.

For a guy who used to love me more than I did,
For a guy who used to pamper me more than I did,
For a guy who used to think about us more than I did,
For a guy who used to wish we would last long more than I did,
What made him to move on so easily?
How did he get over me so easily?

If it was closeness he asked for
yesterday,
Why is it separation he asked for
today?

He, I and I love You

When I met him for the first time,

I did not know he would mean a lot to me,

I did not know he would be so important to me,

I fell for the person I never thought I would fall for,

Now he is the best thing that has happened to me.

When he says he loves me,

I only wish for a thing,

May he stays the same,

Because he is so perfect being himself.

I know we are young,

but I hope he is the one.

He is a kid,

who wants to be pampered,

who wants to be taken care of,

He is a boy,

who needs his girl to flirt with,

who needs his girl to tell everything to,

He is a man,

who needs to be respected,

who needs to be acknowledged.

The sweetest thing he does is,

saying all the little things to let me know that I am in his heart.

He promises he would not leave me nor hurt me.

I promise I would always be there for him.

Our relationship is complicated,

I do not even understand what are we sometimes,

but the only thing I do know is,

I love him very much.

Hence,

He, I and “I love you”.

p/s: Thanks for being an inspiration. For you.

If you don't, someone else will

If you can't live up to my expectations,treat me well at least.
If you don't, someone else will. 
If you can't fulfill my fantasies, show me all ways of love at least.
If you don't, someone else will.


Show me the way you love
to prove you deserve me. 
Show me how much you love
to prove you deserve me.
If you don't, someone else will.


Let my mind point you,

Let my heart says it's you,

While you never make me feel you are the best,
You definitely don't deserve my best.

While you never make effort for it to last ,

You are definitely not better than my past.
While you never realise what it takes to be with a girl like me,
You are definitely just the same who does not deserve me.

You may charm sassy beings ,

You may melt many hearts,

You may break girls' prides,

You may suit nouveau riche tastes,

But 
if you are never the man who fights for what he loves,
if you are never the man who wants to stay no matter how hard it is going to be,
You would just have to know,
Everyone falls in love but not everyone stays in love,
with the same girl,
forever.

My Imperfectness

My imperfectness

Sunday, 08.04.2012

Darkness between four walls. 

Mere silence. 

Only me
and tears as companion. 

I wish to be invisible. 

I wish to run away from here, 

far from here 

to a place where there is no one.
or I'll just plummet to my death. 

It's impossible. 

I dislike the mirror.

For it reflects the person I dislike

Me.  

I always loved myself 

yet in what darkness, 

what dense ignorance, 

was this mental battle fought. 

Every nerve I'd feared my imperfectness 

and every morsel of flesh in my bones shrank 

when they point it out. 

I'm fine this way, I say 

but deep at heart, I am not.

My racked nerves were now in such state that,

no calm could soothe and

no pleasure excite them.

Do not blame me for not being myself. 

I will repent. 

Lust, attraction, infatuation. These are less than love. After living in denial of what I ACTUALLY feel, here are some lessons I have learnt in silence.

• Love is a good thing. It should lift you to become a better person. Anything less is not love. Love should feel good. It should not make you feel bad or rather guilty for being real about your feelings. It should make you want to become a better person. LOVE MUST MAKE YOU HAPPY EVERYDAY. It keeps you energetic, enthusiastic and motivated to live each day!

• If it's love, you spend a good healthy balance time together. If it's infatuation, you spend every minute with them.

• When you don't talk, there will be a lot of stuffs ending up not getting said. Thus, they will never know how you feel and you will never know how they feel. A bridge of unspoken words there. ;)

• No lies no secrets. It is always better to speak out. Both would feel better. 

• You can't kill feeling. It either fades with time or remains forever.
• Similarly, you should not try to cut down on communication with the one you know you can't stay a day without talking to. All that I would say is, make use of it. In a positive way of course. Spend time studying together. It does no harm, right ? 

“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever”                               

Yet, I have confusions in return too. Till tell you more in the next post, toodles ! xx 

Lost.

What do I say ? Urmm, these days have been really hard for me. I have been having issues going on lately, in my life. I have no say, totally. It was once upon a time when I felt really blessed. I can see things falling appart. I wish it only gets better, but neah! I don't know what I want. Thus, I don't know where I am heading to. Completely clueless, not knowing what comes first in life. I have all desires, a lot of dreams, not to mention my beloveds' hopes and expectations on me. I have disappointed them once. They were really hurt. I was and I am too. But what do I do next ? It feels like a girl standing all by herself in a stranded land under the rain without people around, with no paths to follow, if only you know what's she going through inside. I have nice people around me. Yet, there's something that I don't get enough from them. Don't ask me what is that, it is just that. Confusion in mind and sorrow at heart. The motivation, enthusiasm, willingness to do anything to achieve my goals, self-esteem, confidence are no longer there in me. I truly miss the old me! That pretty obedient daughter whom my mom's always been proud of, that daddy's eldest daughter who only knew winning!

I have no clue what is going on with my life! I do not know what is wrong with me and yeah with my life too. Frustrating enough! What else do I have to complain ? I'm His perfect creation, the fortunate one for I'm gifted with perfect family and decent life yet as you are aware, I am complaining. I can't believe I am complaining. What is there to complain when life has been fair enough to me ? There are unfortunate people out there with greater obstacles in their lives, yet they are not complaining, they are succeeding instead. But what is happening to me ? Where are the optimism, motivation, spirit, enthusiasm and courage I once had ? and Oh ya, I have not been seeking Him lately. Perhaps that is why I don't feel blessed anymore for the God is hardly in the center of my attention now. Pretty much messed up inside, not knowing what I am trying to fit into! I only hope by the time I buck up, it's not too late to make things better. Oh Lord, hear me out please. :(

Youdontknowyouareinlove.

When you realise you are falling for someone 

Why do you try to avoid her ? Why do you put yourself in limits and too afraid to put your toes outta line ? 

Why do you try really hard to avoid meeting her eyes ? Why will you be too careful in arranging words when you are talking a word or two to her ? Why does the heart skip beats when you meet her ? 

Why do you feel like your heartstrings tug a little bit more when you see her getting close to another boy ?

Why is that ? 

You don't know. You are in love. 


Love is 

• the urge to know everything and every single thing about her. 
• to understand her completely.
• to wish to always be there for her when she is down.
• to feel a red-hot poker of jealousy stabbing you when she talks to another guy.
• to realise that you can't spend a day without her.
• to shed a tear when she is not around because that is how much you miss her.
• to love her more when she is absent.
• to love yourself more because you know she loves you, your handsome self. 
• to feel like the luckiest guy to be loved by her.
• to feel like you are the best guy because she has chosen you out of all the zillion guys in the world.
• to lose interest in talking to other girls no matter how pretty they can be because she is the only one that you want to talk to.
• to make no response to the other girls' flirtations
• to find all girls just the same and ordinary because she is your only apple of eye. 
• to feel like she is the most perfect female specimen to have set foot on the planet because she is yours.
• to wish you had all the earthly time just to talk to her.
• to find her really cute in a guys-just-want-to-protect-her kind of way when she is by herself.
• to be more sensitive to her sarcasm and to sulk hoping that she would persuade you. 
• to expect more attention from her.
• to wish to just hug her when she cries and shivers because she is all yours.
• to wish to protect her and treat her just like how her dad possibly does.
• to wish she would take care of you too, just like how your mom does. 
• to dream your whole future with her. 
• to catch yourself smiling thinking of her.
• to have her as the last thing on your mind and you'd be clicked off your lamp every night and she is your first thought when you open your eyes.
• to be proud to call her, your girl infront of your friends and the other girls. 
• to feel like you would move heaven and earth just to spend your life with her.

No doubt, no delay.  

You are madly in love with her.

She is your soulmate.

:) 

A poem in your absence

I have so much love in me, 

to be given to you.

Along with my little heart,

as an assurance.

For you will be the better half of me. 

But guy,

Why this lie.

I would be the happiest girl in the world,

you told. 

Then, why am I here

with fear,

Between these four walls,

Shedding a tear, 

fear of losing you.
thinking of you.

Far from me,

Away from my sight,

Your mere love I still felt.

Your words I treasure,

For it gives a day full of pleasure,

I am sure,

You are my star!

who shines and glows,

with my love.

Hey, listen once.

I whisper.

I miss you.

Hear that ?

I love you!

A little more than yesterday,

As my love only grows deeper every day,

Forever this way.

His love

Heyya all. Here goes my second poem in the collection after a year. 

Happy reading & much love!

Again,
Exceptional questions in my brain,
Again, 
His love struck me like a strain.
A definite strain of romance,
Straining at the leash to get the love,
like a topspin.

His transparent transient love,
Yet a blissful ignorance I shove,
In a temporary loveless inn, 
I thought I was in,
But his solicitousness
Brought me to his la-la loveland
and forever there I stand.
Wishing the happy pattern not to be broken,
Wishing it not to be a game of connect-the-dots
                                                                    between us.

Hence, 
this is introduction, 
and expression
also confession 
of commitment
                         between us,
Who are head over heels,
in love.

A mere thought.

"Let it be right or wrong, I just want my mom and dad to know everything that I do & I don't care what anybody else thinks about it. 

I'm unlike the other decent obedient girls for I'm wild and a little spoilt but at least I'm being the real me in front of my parents. Absolutely, no lies." 

My parents have been more of best friends to me. I tell them everything. I can talk to them about anything especially to mom, she is too cool. Whereas, dad. He is also jovial and easy to get along with but as a dad to three daughters, he is protective and possesive. I can't stand him at times when the topic of guys arises between us and he'll be like, "No, you don't know about these guys. You're still a little girl. You don't really know the world today". Yet he is friendly to my guy friends. and talking about guy friends, I needa tell you. I am an introvert and I usually learn a hard way talking to guys at early conversations. I have this ego in me which never lets me to talk to a guy without him approaching me first. I don't talk to any random guy. Perhaps that's why by a glance, they call me arrogant.


Well, what to blame ? I WAS from a girls' school where boys used to look like aliens for me. Now that I am studying in a boys' school things have changed, my thoughts have changed and to be more specific, I changed. I have more guy friends than girl friends. I started to feel comfortable talking and being with guys. I find less dramas in them and most important of all, they are so cool. They bully me so often, I mind but again I get this extraordinary privilege of being their center of attention all the time. 

Back to the topic at hand, my parents know each of my friend. I ensure they do. I am 19 now. I guess not all the time, things go well between parents and their grown up children no matter how cool both can be. My opinion is once you're 18, it's always the best way to stay away from family. For many reasons. After the age of 18, our circle of friends gets wider and of course even the nerdiest teen owns a social life. Everybody does but it only comes to true realisation when friends replace family. When you eventually start to keep your social life healthy, you will face problem with either your mom or dad or why not ? BOTH. When it comes to your social life, there would be at least one thing that your parents do not and will not agree with. They think going out with a guy can only be called dating instead of meeting. 
And FRIENDS. Talking about friends, they are all the same to me regardless of their gender. May it be a he or she, no difference it makes to me. I crack the same jokes, I talk the same nonsense, I sing the same crap, and I be the same fool while being with them.  


Perhaps you would wonder, why am I even talking about this ? Well, I have been thinking about some girl-boy friendship issues lately. What do you think when you see 6 guys and a girl hanging out together ? or to be precise, what do you think about that girl ? Lemme list down the facts. First, those 6 guys are nobody but her schoolmates, she calls them friends. Second, her parents know those 6 guys as they have been to her house. Third, she told her parents the truth that she is going out with ONLY GUYS with no girls and her dad drove her to the place. What else matters ? that "Yindian" society that we are living around ? about what those "Yindian" uncles and aunties may think about that girl ? It's time to go against the stereotypical "Yindian" mentality. and a note to you if you are reading this post, DO NOT JUDGE ME YET. I haven't said enough.