Routine Update

Hey bloggie,

It has been a little while. It's a Friday night. It's 10 o'clock and I am still awake. It would have suprised the people of my home, certainly. Yes! The pattern of my routine life has changed. Sleeping by 9 p.m. and waking up before 1 a.m. Adding a new habit to my routine, dozing off in the evenings too. STPM is just a month away. So it's the exam runs at the eleventh hour that is going on. I am pretty relaxed but of course not feeling relieved that it's finally approaching very soon coz I am gonna definitely miss studying,attending classes,writing essays and of all, going to SASTI. It's like just yesterday I enrolled into Form 6 and just in a flash, it is going to end already. It has been a great stay in SASTI. Definitely, for many reasons. And it feels like I sneezed in May 2011 and that's blown me into October 2012. And y'know like someone's hit the accelerator pedal and the days are whooshing by. 

I haven't got my exact after-STPM plans yet. Of course visiting India is a certain thing and besides that, driving license :)) AND most importantly, total make over. Shedding weight and to regain my skin colour back. Wow, looks like I've got ample things planned yea!! :D Thinking about 8 months of holidays, I can actually list out all those things I am looking forward to, which I had to give up on since I stepped into Form 6. Beaches,family vacation,big family gathering,late night conversations,watching A LOT of movies back to back,night life,baking and cooking,Saturday nights,involving in TAM activities including Telugu Camp,socializing,stage performances, and a lot more! Not forgetting the Saturday-night rule which is no longer in practice at the moment. During most of the Saturday nights, I have been staying at home, to be specific, at study table facing books. & by 7 at study table on Sunday mornings. Gotta thank God, I still stick to blogging despite the studious routine. Gotta love this routine though coz' it takes the right attitude to make it happen & it brings me a step closer to my aims and ambitions. :):) 

So, that is a bit for now. Good night, bloggie. Muah :)

Facebook Post

Hello! This is something that I found in Facebook which I thought I should share on my blog as well.  It's worth reading! To whoever wrote this, kudos!


Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn't know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn't stop for days. It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn't know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried… your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mum got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we’ve NEVER talked before, I’m here for you. Copy and paste this as your status to show people there are people out there that care. Yes, I definitely care. ♥

When pessimism strikes.

This is going to be a pessimistic post, bloggie. Now, I am at the state of being depressed over my life. Feeling lifeless. Regretting for the things that I've let to happen in the past. Regretting for the person I've become now. I do not know what is exactly taking over my life now that I'm getting older, wiser or not I do not know. But, more issues are taking place in my life and of course I have my mature thinking wimme still but I doubt if I've been making the right decisions lately. I don't care what the others say and what the quotes teach. Now, all that I can ever think of is to be happy and to do what I want to do. I am amazed at all these things that I am willing to do just to make myself happy. Such as ? Losing the self-respect and the girl pride I've had all these years. The only thing that I've yet to do so far is to apologize for the things I did not do. God forbid. I did not know I would forget and forgive people easily although they do not deserve it at all. I wonder. Why can't I just delete them off my life and never think about them again ? Why can't I hold a grudge and have the hatred towards them ? Revenge is a total waste of time but what is a better revenge then not talking to them at all and also to have nothing to do with them at all ? I miss them but they don't. I value the friendship made and the closeness shared but they don't. THEN WHY THE BLOODY HELL DO I NEED TO CARE ? Why do I need to even waste my tears thinking about the crazy talks we used to have ? and yes, nobody said the elder or a girl should not apologize BUT shouldn't it be they to make the first step to patch up ? They are guys and they are younger. Perhaps this wouldn't make sense to many and with all the maturity I have as a 19 years old girl, I thought why not I be the one. I have no idea if I still have the ego in me or not but I would be glad if I do coz it would hold me back from being stupid. They are a great lesson. I am glad the fight happened. But deep inside, I wish it did not have to happen at all. I don't wanna have to dislike anyone. I think the worst moment is when I have to turn my head and walk away to avoid them. I would love to have the courage to watch people walking out from my life for they are not part of it anymore but I don't even let anyone go just like that. It makes one of the most impossible thing in my life to forget people whom I've been close to. I can hate them for all that they've done but I can't!! Because it's the way I perceive things. Good or bad a person is, he has been a friend & a friendship can never be a mistake like how a love relationship can be. OK NOW. This is going to be the last day I am even worrying and thinking about this. I gotta chuck all these craps. I wanna be that strong, egoistic, wise, hard girl I once used to be. I WILL BE!! coz' I can't stand being taken for granted!! :)

I am not gonna depend on anyone especially on my guy friends to sort out every little thing for me. I am not gonna expect my girls to be there for me whenever I need someone to cry out to. I was once a girl who never shares her problems to anyone coz I had trust in me that only I can handle my problems in the best way and find the best solutions for it. I do not know how these past 2 years had changed me to a girl I do not want to be! I wanna believe that I can stand for myself and that I need nobody to stand along. I don't wanna be kind to every single person I meet and I WILL NEVER TRUST ANYONE BLINDLY. I want my real attitude back. I want that no-matter-what-happens-I-keep-my-head-high attitude and I push my way through. I know, that one chance that I chose to give to "that" guy to prove himself indeed weakened me a lot in the high doses of love. Now, there is absolutely no space for a thing called infatuation nor the so-called bloody relationships and shitz. I still believe in love and I still have complete respect for guys, no jerks can ever change that. I swear not to have fight with anyone after this. Coz' as much as I have known more about myself, fight is definitely not a good idea at all. It only weakens me. Things will be very much easy if I don't expect anything and if I can accept the way they are, both the good & bad. I will learn to be in limits and treat people as to their age. It's such a dumb thing to think that you can be very close friends with the people who are younger than you coz maturity varies a lot & you should have been great to be able to handle with that! I ain't gonna do every single thing to please the others. I am not gonna be too kind but I will never lose my virtues. I will do it all in my own way!! and what's next ? GOALS. Till I tell you about it in the next post, adios! Muah. xx

A little update:"I love my 17 years old brothers from school"

Hola!

Uhm, it's about those 17 years old guys in school. They used to be really nice. They are funny and I love their sense of humor a lot. Now, things are not the same between us anymore. I don't really take anything serious in life especially when it comes to friendships and relationships. I prefer making peace and being nice always no matter what happens. BUT this time, I am not sure if it's something tolerable. I could not accept the way they treated me despite the closeness we've shared all this while. AND to listen to someone else and believing her blindly just like that ? Is that what a friend does ? & as always, I simply fail at handling immaturity. I could not be bothered to explain further to make 'em understand the actual thing that happened. So, I let it be like that. Blehhh. Let I be the the wrong one. Let I be the bad one. Being manipulated and blammed. Think whatever you guys wanna think, go ahead. Well-played. Byebye from my life, I said. 

BUT NOW.

I would relle love to go back to March when everything was the most beautiful in my life! The first 6 months of this year were the best part. I miss these people whom I had at that time who are no longer in my life now. 

Good or bad & the harm done, I guess that doesn't matter anymore. I would love to have the most amazing feeling of forgiving and patching up again, once more!! 

I've never been backstabbed nor messed up with anyone. I guess it's meant to happen, so did it happen. It's a great experience, they'd been a great lesson. 

At the moment, I can only think of being happy & what would make me the happiest girl for once ? IF WE TALK  TO EACH OTHER, AGAIN. IF WE CAN BE LIKE LAST TIME, AGAIN. 

BUT AGAIN

What if, just IF, for the ego that I've thrown away long time back, I summon it up now. It's time coz it would make me wise & hard.

Show me the right way, Lord! :)

He, I and Indifference (II)

Yesterday, he be the one I want.

Today, he be the one I do not want.

Yesterday, it was love.

Today, it is indifference.

We split up for no reason,

Just like how I loved him for no reason.

I looked for one reason to hold on

He looked for hundreds of reason to move on.

I used to go there for him.

But now that he is not there anymore,

I shall never go there anymore,

Till somebody replaces him.

He came, he left. That is he. 

Pain [19.08.2012]

                                                                     

                                                                     

The silence,
The loneliness,
The darkness,
The emptiness.

The voices in my head
They are not compromising.
Neither the situation is.
The pain in heart 
The disorientation in mind
Do not seem to understand
My eyes swell and ache
The tears will not stop they say
Till the hurt is felt no more.

The reason is that
The heart knows what it wants
The mind understands what it needs
But the mouth fails to speak.
Expectation and hopes
are two different words.
But
they lead to only one,
HEART CRUSHING PAIN.

He, I and Indifference (I)

It was yesterday,
When he held my hand,
So secure I felt,
Having his fingers wrapped with mine.
The moment is gone.

Yesterday,
At that same place,
He looked at me filled with love
For I am his girl.
The moment is gone.
Today,
At that same place,
He looked at me filled with hatred
For I am no longer his girl.

For a guy who used to love me more than I did,
For a guy who used to pamper me more than I did,
For a guy who used to think about us more than I did,
For a guy who used to wish we would last long more than I did,
What made him to move on so easily?
How did he get over me so easily?

If it was closeness he asked for
yesterday,
Why is it separation he asked for
today?